Being Born, and Being...Gone.

On April 9th, friends of mine brought a beautiful, baby girl into the world. On April 14th, the world lost a beautiful woman. It's funny how the world works. The two are unrelated to each other, but both close to my heart.

I think about life and death a lot. My dad died last summer, on June 1st. It's hard for me to not think about death. I focus a lot of my time being worried that other loved ones are going to die, now. What I would do without them, etc. It's not healthy, I realize, it's just something I can't help, all the time.

It hurts every day that my dad is gone. My family is different now, and I hate that, as well. I hate the dynamics. I hate how I make everyone uncomfortable or angry when I want to talk about my dad. Because, I always want to talk about him. Suicide is a very confusing thing, and there are so, so many unanswered questions.  I feel like I'll never be at rest until all of these questions are answered. Some people have the ability to answer them for me, but refuse. I understand why. And some questions, I suppose are impossible to answer.  I can only drive myself crazy at the different scenarios that I play over and over in my head.

I hate now. I wasn't so hateful, before. I hate people, that don't deserve it. I hate people in my family, I hate people's actions. I am so beyond bitter towards those closest to me, and I can't stop it. They're dealing with their own issues, so who's wants to bother listening to my bullshit? I understand it.

It's amazing how much you can miss a person, more than you've ever missed anyone, yet be angry with them at the same time. Then guilty.  This mixture of emotions is so overwhelming at times. Since I have seen the effects of suicide first hand, you would think that I would never feel that kind of sadness- but sometimes, I do, and I hate myself for even thinking that way. Then, I just get angry again.

It wasn't like my dad was sick, or in an accident, he chose to leave us. His kids, his grandchild. That doesn't feel good. That's not something I'll ever understand.

When I heard about my friend passing, my heart broke- for her family, for her best friends. Her and I were friends, but rarely saw each other in the past year and a half.  I am sad, because, as selfish as it might sound- it broke open every feeling I dealt with when my dad died.  The sadness, the overwhelming, can't function, physically painful sadness. It hurts when I think of other people going through that.

I was about to make this all about what I think happens after you die, but sometimes, I don't care. Who knows until it's happening to you, anyways. All I know, is that my dad, and my friend, are now at peace. I guess that's what makes suicide desirable, in any way. I understand that, but there is so much more, that I don't understand.

The one thing I have always understood, and will always understand, is that I love my son, and he needs me. And I will do everything in my power, to be there for him, including sticking around, for much, much longer than he'd really like. :]

RIP dad<3 2011 I love you, forever

Cliche

There are a lot of things in this world, that I don't understand. One of them, is sadness, or constant turmoil over a relationship. I don't understand how strong women become shells of themselves over these men.  Especially women with children.

If you are a single mother, and your whole focus is men, then you have definitely got your priorities wrong. I see girls going back and forth in their relationships- single, not single, single. Are they looking for a daddy figure for their child? That's creepy. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with another man coming into your life at some point, and falling into that father role- if necessary- but do not go searching for it.  If I could give you single mothers (and fathers,) a little piece of advice, it would be this: Do NOT introduce your new significant other to your child until you've been dating for a few months, at the very least. I get that when you care about someone, you want them to meet and end up liking your child, and you also want your child to meet, and like them. Tough. The point, is to get to know that person enough, to know that you will be with that person for a long time. Your children do not need to be meeting man, after man, after man. (or woman, in men's cases) It's unhealthy for them, and confusing. 

And women with no children, you've sort of got it easy. I hate to say that, because no situation can be compared equally until you've been in all of them, but trust me, I have been.  It's easy to meet guys, although not necessarily the right guys. It's easier to bring them around the house, it's easier to do whatever you want with them, without having to worry about another (cuter, smaller) person. My problem with you women, is that you don't bother to get to know yourselves. I know it sounds cliche', but if you don't get to know, love, and respect yourself, you'll get nothing positive in return. I WAS you, so don't think I'm just some judgemental bitty up on her high horse. No, before I learned any of this, I was running around, throwing myself at people, because.... I don't know? Lack of attention? Sluttyness? Call it what you will, it's pathetic. Even if you are not sleeping with these people, it's still kind of trashy. I know it's not easy, but love yourselves! You are so worth it. Do this, for yourself, and eventually, a wonderful man, who also deserves that same love and respect, will come around. He'll treat you like gold, because that's what you demand of others, when you realize your worth. 

Or maybe I'm picturing something that only happens in fairy tails? Maybe It's a little easier for me, personally to focus on only my child, or my education, or myself, simply because I haven't been in a (real) relationship in years.  Maybe, if I ever enter that dating game, once again, I'll realize that's it's not as easy as just "loving yourself" to get the right man to come along.  Maybe you could love the shit out of yourself, but get taken advantage of, because some people are just plain bad. I, personally, have no desire to be with anyone now. I have no desire to be married. Right now, my main focus is my son, and school. (I have one "love of my life" that I would probably marry in a minute, if asked, but that won't happen, so it's a non issue.) 

Just try not to waste your life constantly worrying about men, or other people, in general. While you sit there crying over a man who just broke your heart, you are missing out on time with your child. Or time with friends, and family. Don't let someone else be in control of your life. I am WOMAN. Hear me ROAR. *giggle*