Being Born, and Being...Gone.

On April 9th, friends of mine brought a beautiful, baby girl into the world. On April 14th, the world lost a beautiful woman. It's funny how the world works. The two are unrelated to each other, but both close to my heart.

I think about life and death a lot. My dad died last summer, on June 1st. It's hard for me to not think about death. I focus a lot of my time being worried that other loved ones are going to die, now. What I would do without them, etc. It's not healthy, I realize, it's just something I can't help, all the time.

It hurts every day that my dad is gone. My family is different now, and I hate that, as well. I hate the dynamics. I hate how I make everyone uncomfortable or angry when I want to talk about my dad. Because, I always want to talk about him. Suicide is a very confusing thing, and there are so, so many unanswered questions.  I feel like I'll never be at rest until all of these questions are answered. Some people have the ability to answer them for me, but refuse. I understand why. And some questions, I suppose are impossible to answer.  I can only drive myself crazy at the different scenarios that I play over and over in my head.

I hate now. I wasn't so hateful, before. I hate people, that don't deserve it. I hate people in my family, I hate people's actions. I am so beyond bitter towards those closest to me, and I can't stop it. They're dealing with their own issues, so who's wants to bother listening to my bullshit? I understand it.

It's amazing how much you can miss a person, more than you've ever missed anyone, yet be angry with them at the same time. Then guilty.  This mixture of emotions is so overwhelming at times. Since I have seen the effects of suicide first hand, you would think that I would never feel that kind of sadness- but sometimes, I do, and I hate myself for even thinking that way. Then, I just get angry again.

It wasn't like my dad was sick, or in an accident, he chose to leave us. His kids, his grandchild. That doesn't feel good. That's not something I'll ever understand.

When I heard about my friend passing, my heart broke- for her family, for her best friends. Her and I were friends, but rarely saw each other in the past year and a half.  I am sad, because, as selfish as it might sound- it broke open every feeling I dealt with when my dad died.  The sadness, the overwhelming, can't function, physically painful sadness. It hurts when I think of other people going through that.

I was about to make this all about what I think happens after you die, but sometimes, I don't care. Who knows until it's happening to you, anyways. All I know, is that my dad, and my friend, are now at peace. I guess that's what makes suicide desirable, in any way. I understand that, but there is so much more, that I don't understand.

The one thing I have always understood, and will always understand, is that I love my son, and he needs me. And I will do everything in my power, to be there for him, including sticking around, for much, much longer than he'd really like. :]

RIP dad<3 2011 I love you, forever

Wully Bully

There is a LOT of talk about bullying, these days.  It seems to be leading to some terrible things- suicide, homicide, mass homicide (school shootings) self- harm, etc. 

I agree that bullying is a problem, and should be dealt with.

I also think that there is another issue, even bigger than bullying, and if that can be fixed, then bullying won't have such an impact on children and teens.

Self Esteem, is what I am referring to.

No teenage girl (and most boys, and a lot of adults)  has it, it seems.  In my personal opinion, if parent's would focus more on their own children, and helping them to acquire a better self picture, and learn to deal with tough situations, these children wouldn't bully, and wouldn't be so affected by bullying.

Parents should be giving their children coping skills in order to deal with being bullied. Because, let's face it, it's going to happen. It's happened for ages, and will continue. I think the reason it is such an enormous issue right now, is because we are a society full of whiny babies.

We are parents that refuse to teach our children to take responsibility for their actions. We are parents that raise our children to think that they do no wrong, even when they do.  We are parents that raise our children to disrespect adults, other children, and themselves. We raise children not to stick up for themselves, but to tell someone else, and have them deal with it.

 The problem with telling someone else, and having them deal with it, is, that you can't count on other people all the time. Sometimes, you need to do things yourself to get them done right, and more importantly, get the respect that you deserve.  I think that's the case in MOST bullying situations.  Sure, there are times when you should tell someone what's going on, ask for their help- a parent, a teacher, but sometimes you need to stick up for yourself, or nothing will change. 

We need to teach our young children, and teenagers that suicide is a "Permanent solution to a  temporary problem." That is not the answer to anything. You cannot let other people's actions force you down a certain path in your life. Take control of your life. 

Having a positive attitude is huge.

We need to teach our children to stick up for themselves, but not through violence. To cope with bad situations, but again, with no violence.

If we can teach our children these things, and let them know that we're there for them, at the same time, I think that this bullying situation might be able to improve. 

"Learning to stand up for yourself will ensure that other people respect you, they aren’t afraid that you’ll bite their head off, and they won’t try to push you around or whittle you down to suit their own needs."