Being Born, and Being...Gone.

On April 9th, friends of mine brought a beautiful, baby girl into the world. On April 14th, the world lost a beautiful woman. It's funny how the world works. The two are unrelated to each other, but both close to my heart.

I think about life and death a lot. My dad died last summer, on June 1st. It's hard for me to not think about death. I focus a lot of my time being worried that other loved ones are going to die, now. What I would do without them, etc. It's not healthy, I realize, it's just something I can't help, all the time.

It hurts every day that my dad is gone. My family is different now, and I hate that, as well. I hate the dynamics. I hate how I make everyone uncomfortable or angry when I want to talk about my dad. Because, I always want to talk about him. Suicide is a very confusing thing, and there are so, so many unanswered questions.  I feel like I'll never be at rest until all of these questions are answered. Some people have the ability to answer them for me, but refuse. I understand why. And some questions, I suppose are impossible to answer.  I can only drive myself crazy at the different scenarios that I play over and over in my head.

I hate now. I wasn't so hateful, before. I hate people, that don't deserve it. I hate people in my family, I hate people's actions. I am so beyond bitter towards those closest to me, and I can't stop it. They're dealing with their own issues, so who's wants to bother listening to my bullshit? I understand it.

It's amazing how much you can miss a person, more than you've ever missed anyone, yet be angry with them at the same time. Then guilty.  This mixture of emotions is so overwhelming at times. Since I have seen the effects of suicide first hand, you would think that I would never feel that kind of sadness- but sometimes, I do, and I hate myself for even thinking that way. Then, I just get angry again.

It wasn't like my dad was sick, or in an accident, he chose to leave us. His kids, his grandchild. That doesn't feel good. That's not something I'll ever understand.

When I heard about my friend passing, my heart broke- for her family, for her best friends. Her and I were friends, but rarely saw each other in the past year and a half.  I am sad, because, as selfish as it might sound- it broke open every feeling I dealt with when my dad died.  The sadness, the overwhelming, can't function, physically painful sadness. It hurts when I think of other people going through that.

I was about to make this all about what I think happens after you die, but sometimes, I don't care. Who knows until it's happening to you, anyways. All I know, is that my dad, and my friend, are now at peace. I guess that's what makes suicide desirable, in any way. I understand that, but there is so much more, that I don't understand.

The one thing I have always understood, and will always understand, is that I love my son, and he needs me. And I will do everything in my power, to be there for him, including sticking around, for much, much longer than he'd really like. :]

RIP dad<3 2011 I love you, forever