Chunky Hats

So, an old friend of mine has started a business making cute, adorable little (and big, if you'd like one of your own!) hats! It's called Chunky Hats, and if your child has a head, you should check it out.


Made to order crochet hats, starting at $5.00!
Shipping:
1 Item- $3.00
2 Items- $5.00
3+Items-  Free

These are just a few of the cute items for sale:

This one is actually my favorite, and I want matching ones for my son and I.

Chunky Letters - $2.50 Each or 2 for $5
Can be made in any color(s) and letter
Flowers will vary but they will match your choice of colors.
7" Tall

These items are homemade, (made with love!) They could be passed down, passed around.  I think everyone needs to know about these, so spread the word!

Email is: Chunkyhats@aol.com
Facebook Page: www,facebook.com/ChunkyHats

Support

When you have things happening to your body, it can be hard to understand.  Even after years of having certain syndromes, or diseases, it's tough to really understand the effect it has on your body, and your mind.  Imagine not having these things, and trying to understand.  It's almost impossible.  I am lucky enough to have an amazing mom who drops everything to help me.  She takes me to doctors appointments, she gets me prescriptions, she's shown me how to take my medicine, or injections when I have no idea when I am doing.  She takes me to the ER when necessary, she is just always doing for me, and I can't even express my appreciation.  I have her as a major support in my life, along with a few friends, and family members. 

One big help for me right now, is talking to women that I meet online who have some of the same ailments as I have.  A support system is necessary, and it's hard to find.  I have joined a few pages on Facebook, that have helped a lot, and a few new pages, that so far, seem amazing.  The women (and some men) are empathetic, sympathetic, understanding, informative, and just wonderful.  It doesn't matter that I can't see these people.  It's probably better that they can't see me! (Haha) Their support and understanding gets me through rough days, sometimes.  Days, when no one can really understand or help me, not even those closest to me.  Miserable days when I can't, or don't want to function.  These women help.

So, if you're dealing with an illness or something along the lines, and need support, don't be afraid to look up pages or groups like these! Jump right in, and introduce yourself, it makes a difference in your life!

Fibromyalgia, the new 'F' word

Addisons Disease Awarness

Cushies on Facebook (Cushings Syndrome)

Got Diabetes Insipidus?

Pituitary Tumor Awareness

Pituitary Chat Friends

T1Diabetes

Why I Choose Not to Immunize

You should see the looks that I receive from my doctor, and from my son's teachers and school nurse when I tell them that I refuse to have my son immunized.  Probably very similar to the look you have on your face, right now.

I understand how much of an issue this is, and how difficult making the decision not to immunize is.  I don't advise parents to stop immunizing their children without doing MAJOR research on the subject- more than just asking your family doctors, or pediatricians, who MUST follow the APA’s current (and ever-changing) recommendations.

Another issue is  whether to immunize by two.  Ask a pediatrician why more and more vaccines are being pushed for younger and younger babies.  The answer is simple, and it has nothing to do with what’s best for your child.  The answer is that’s when they have ACCESS to children, they must take advantage of that opportunity—at well-baby checkups.  People come to well-baby checkups, but they don’t show up after the baby is older.


The World Health Organization (WHO) takes credit for eliminating smallpox from the planet as its major coup in the fight against disease.  Yet smallpox disappeared in non-immunizing countries faster than in immunizing countries.  Some link the eradication of smallpox, instead, to improved sanitation and education in hygiene.  This is an example of what you can read about the “other side of the story” with regard to WHO’s claims about the necessity of vaccines.


The U.S. is  the only first-world country to attempt to fully immunize children in infancy.  When Japan quit immunizing children under the age of 2, the national SIDS rate plummeted 80%.  Each member of the V.A. receives six figures from the very pharmaceutical companies  it is  supposed to be the watchdog over.  This is a breach of the V.A.’s charge to guard the public health.  (Ditto the Food and Drug Administration.)   The V.A. is responsible for protecting the health of our children, and the conflict of interest simply can’t be overstated.

 Just to give you an idea of ONE way this conflict of interest manifests itself, the Vaccine Administration considers claims of babies who die or are injured within 48 hours of being vaccinated.   If your baby dies of SIDS 49 hours after she is immunized,  her death  can’t possibly  be linked to the shot, according to the V.A.  Their rules are illogical, not grounded in science, and designed to protect the pharmaceutical industry.   Parents should trust their instincts and their research, not the U.S. Vaccine Administration.  Keep in mind that the published risks don’t include people like the children who died after say, 49 hours after the vaccine is given.

Some researcher says that many reported problems are  a result of immunizing babies with very immature immune systems.   I would worry  less about an immunization for an older child or adult, especially if you could ensure that the vaccine did not contain thimerosol, (contains mercury, mercury cannot be eliminated from the body and is severely dangerous).  Since 2001, with the exception of some influenza (flu) vaccines, thimerosal is not used as a preservative in routine childhood vaccines. Of course, other vaccine additives like formaldehyde are deeply troubling as well and shouldn’t be injected into the human body.

 Big Pharma companies are in a constant race to develop  new vaccines, because the target market is any company’s dream with unlimited profit potential:  it includes every human being on the planet, and the most educated among us (doctors)  are in place to sell the product.  This sales force  also lobbies for laws to take decision-making power away from parents and have stated in their publications that parents should be forced to immunize their children.

As parent's you should trust yourself, because no one has your child's best interest at heart more than you do.  Do your research.  There is such a thing as an Exemption form for immunizations.  Your child's school will have this. They won't offer that information to you, oh no.

Yes, you will have to deal with looks from your doctor, family, friends (who you choose to tell your decisions to) and that might be difficult to deal with, but what's more important? Everyone thinking a certain way about you, or you, knowing the truth, and protecting your child the best way you know how? 

But, let's be honest here, I know that 99% of the people that read this, are not going to do any research, and are going to continue to listen to those guys in the white coats. 

It's a Wonderful Life

 I'm going to explain a few things, some of you may or may not know much about this part of my life, but it sort of IS my life, now, so I'll explain the best I can, with what little patience I have at the moment.  It might be a little long- winded, because as much as I'd like to explain everything, there's just no way that I could, well not in any way that any one else would be interested.  I'm writing this mostly because I want to remember things, myself, and I don't know how to write about it without sounding like a huge, whiny, cry baby, but whatever.

In the summer of 08', I started having terrible migraines.  I let them go for a long time, because no one seemed to have any answers.  In November 2008, I was still having the migraines about once or twice a month. They usually lasted for about 4 days. The longest one- 6 days. I went to the ER. Saint Vincents. They gave me a cat scan, gave me fluids (since I was SO dehydrated) and meds to take the pain away. Told me that this was menstrual migraines.

In  December 2008: My period stopped. In March of 09' I remember the day- my mom came over to my house with my sister.  We were in the backyard playing catch with N, and my vision was double.  Just like that.

In May 2009, I was still having the migraines, my skin was dry in odd places, my face was broken out (which was really never an issue for me) I was thirsty all the time, my hair was getting unhealthy,

In June 2009, I had another migraine. My vision was getting worse. I was seeing double, blurred and colors! Literally, I could look at a white wall, and see cartoon characters doing things! (they said later, that this was because of the tumor leaking, and that things like that really do happen...tricky brain.) I went to the bathroom to get a drink one time and practically blacked out.

 June 13, 2009: I called my family doctor, told the receptionist my symptoms, and she had me go to the ER. (Hamot) My parents dropped me off around noon or so. I literally waited for about 6 hours before anyone would see me. My mom came back right after I got into a room. A nurse was asking me about everything, I remember telling her about the "cartoon characters" that I was seeing, and the "trippy colors, and shapes" that I was seeing. I really thought she was going to think I was a junkie.

They told me that I might have to get a spinal tap. Apparently, excess fluid in your spine can cause these kinds of migraines, and getting a spinal tap would find out the problem WHILE fixing the problem. I was actually very nervous about this. I could imagine the pain was bad. I got an MRI.

 They ended up checking me into the hospital, I was surprised. I really shouldn't have been, with everything going on with me, but at the time, all of these things didn't seem real.  The next morning, a team of doctors woke me up.  They told me "I have good news and bad news, good news- you won't have to get the spinal tap. Bad news is that you have a pituitary tumor. It's rarely ever cancer...." and I basically drift off then. My thinking was "thank god I don't have to go through the spinal tap..." It was a tumor, and supposedly it was "leaking" or "bleeding," not sure which, I've heard both from doctors. (This left me with permanent blind spots in each eye.)

 I remember calling my mom. I don't even know where she was. Work, maybe. I told her. I don't remember how she reacted. A lot of things are a blur after that.

I do know, that I didn't realize how serious this all was.  Except when my parents would leave, when they left, I got really upset.  And when N left, I was a horrible, horrible wreck.

 June 16,2009: The day of my surgery.

Basically what they did was go through my left nostril, cut out a piece of bone from my skull, and get in there and remove the tumor. Unfortunately most of my pituitary gland went right along with it.

Zip Tie nose. Most of it is all healed, by this point. This is from my second surgery

It was hard for me to walk after surgery. I had physical therapy. They would have me do silly things. And they were difficult. My vision was still bad, so that was part of it, but the surgery did have a great effect on me. I was stuttering, losing track of my sentences right in the middle of them, couldn't walk right... This went on for some time after my surgery as well.

I cried once after my surgery in the hospital. I was doing physical therapy and I just could not walk right. I broke down. It suddenly hit me. Everything. I had a brain tumor, I had it removed, I have no pituitary gland and am on all these medications. I can't talk right, I can't think straight, I can't fucking WALK right. The moment passed.

My life changed pretty drastically, afterwards.   I was at ACL at least 3 or 4 times a week for blood work. I was diagnosed with a few different things- since the Pituitary Gland controls so many different hormones, etc in your body, mine is kind of a train wreck! Thank god for modern medicine.  I am on hormone replacements, now, for the rest of my life.  I'm fine with this, except for the steroids.

Blood work makes me look like a junkie

This is the start of bruising from lab work

Panhypopituitary is the word that just about covers it, I suppose.

I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, Diabetes Insipidus, and Adrenal Insufficiency.

For those, I take Synthroid, (or Levothyroxine) DDAVP (Dessmopressin) and Hydrocortisone.

Synthroid, Hydrocortisone, DDAVP This is what my table looks like on any given day.

Finally, last summer, about a ,month after my dad passed away, I was noticing different things.  Earlier in the year, I had experienced migraines, again.  But, after my dad died, no one was feeling great, so I chalked up everything to that.  I was not able to keep anything down.  I was losing weight, rapidly, (wasn't complaining about that!) Then, I started hearing voices.  Literally.  Finally, I went to the ER, and was diagnosed with Diabetes.

Let me clear something up- I was already diagnosed with Diabetes Insipidus, which is "water diabetes." Basically, Salt problems, instead of Sugar.  So, the symptoms mirror each other, but medically, the two are different.

My sugar was up over 600, and I was in the ICU for a few days.  Then, I got an MRI.

The next day, doctors came in and told me that my pituitary tumor had returned. It turned out to be an infection, not a tumor.

I ended up having another surgery a few weeks later. In the Dr's words, he "scooped out the whole area, pituitary, and all." So, the surgery was the same as the first, only this time, the recovery was much easier.  I felt good, afterwards, for the most part.

 So, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, because my body does not produce hormones on its own.

Diabetes kit

 Afterwards, I had a pic-line for antibiotics for 2 months.  Home Health Care came to my house twice a week for blood word, and to change the dressing on my line.  Luckily, I was always able to take care of other things, on my own. 

Antibiotics

Pic Line

Most days, I am just tired.  I've literally gained over 100 lbs. from all of it, and the steroids.  Cushings, are the symptoms that I have, if you're very interested. Thankfully, last week, after 3 years, my steroid dose was cut in half!! So, I will be losing weight, thank goodness. Steroids are a BITCH. Fibromyalgia is also a problem. I believe it's a side effect from everything or something, but I doubt we'll ever know the exact start of it. My skin hurts sometimes. My whole body hurts most days.

I complain a lot.  I feel guilty a LOT.  I have a small child that has had to deal with all of this, without totally understanding any of it, or why I feel terrible on any given day.  My family is amazing, and help me in many ways, I can't even describe.  They listen to me bitch and moan, which is huge, because I know that it must be very annoying at times.  It's funny when someone says something about me being "strong." Of course, when you go through things that are tough, it's not like you have any other options.  And I'm about as weak as they come, like I said.  I have decent days, but if I don't push myself, I struggle to get to class, etc.  I hurt a lot.  It's amazing what these hormones control. Sometimes my joints hurt, my muscles are so weak, I can barely lift my son at ALL.  My skin hurts sometimes, which I still find very disturbing, and I don't understand it.  My brain my brain, my brain. Diabetes has sufficiently fried it!  I just called my mother today, after talking to her on the phone, and told her that I forget what we talked about, and I'm not sure what I'm doing right now.  I just needed to check my sugar, and give myself insulin. Things like that happen sometimes.  It's silly.  Silly is the best word, in my opinion, to describe this situation.

I guess I felt the need to explain these things, because I always want to see people, or hang out with people, and most times, I can't, or won't.  Can't, if I don't feel well, and won't, because it's difficult to literally not be recognized by someone that you used to be friends with, simply because you've gained a TON of weight.  I hate seeing people, but I want to so badly.  I always feel the need to apologize for looking so terrible, to people that I haven't seen in a while. It's such a joke.  And there's no way that they could understand.

I am lucky to have awesome friends who I've met online, who have the same illnesses as me, and we talk about things, complain about things, and compare things.  I have a family who laughs at me, which is exactly what I need! We are funny, and sarcastic, and they make fun of me, while I make fun of myself.


Humor really is what gets me through situations, and I couldn't have a more sarcastic family<3

So, some days, when I'm feeling sorry for myself, and posting sad-sacky things on facebook, feel free to tell me to shut the hell up, because it could be worse! Everyone needs those reminders, sometimes, because it's absolutely true! 

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  And, as usual, around this time of year, I am completely broke.  So, I think we are going to have dinner at her house, with my grandma, and I'm going to get her drunk, so that she doesn't realize how lame her children are for not buying much. 

 I did think of some pretty decent mother's day ideas though, for those of you who might be having trouble thinking of ideas, and have been smart enough to save some cash.

• Take her to a movie
• I would say "Taker her to dinner," But you know, as well as I do, that every decent restaurant around, will be packed full, and if your moms are anything like mine, she will be miserable, and end up hating you.
• Cook for her, her favorite dinner
• Make her breakfast, in bed
• Take her to get her hair done
• Go get mani/pedis
• Help her in her garden, if she's into that type of thing.
• Get a bunch of pictures of you, and her, or you, and your siblings and make a small memory book.
• Go to the beach together, and look for beach glass
• Make her a macaroni necklace, or photo. Hey, she loved it when you were 5, she'll love it, now.

Anyways, I'm sure that lately, my mother has been regretting her decision to give birth to me, but I'm almost 100% sure that abortion at 315 months is illegal in any state that you live in.  (in case she was reconsidering!) 

I love my mom, and grandma, and I don't think I would have much of a life, if they weren't in it. 

Also, I have some amazing aunts, who I do not tell often enough that I love them. 

I am very lucky to have such strong, intelligent, hilarious women in my life. And I love you all.

Mommy Reincarnate: The Truth Hurts

If you know me, at all, you've probably heard or seen my rantings and ravings on my anti-religious views.  However, if you ask me, "Jamie, do you believe in reincarnation?" I'd have to answer, "Yes."

I feel like life after you have a child, is completely different.  It's literally like living two different lives in one lifetime. 

Life before child:

• Tight, low-rise jeans      
• Cute, little hoodies
• Small shirts, big boobs
• Hair looking cute (most days)
• Make-up, normally
• Cute jewelery
• Loud music
• Constant Shows (local bands)
• Constant friends
• Constant partying
• Working two jobs
•  Tanning almost every day, in between said jobs
• Quitting job, because I didn't have enough time to party
• Finding a random paycheck from work, because I had so much money coming in, that I didn't realize I hadn't cashed a paycheck.
• Best friend, Bobbi.  Always with each other.
• Stayed out all night, slept all day
• Cute boys
• Clean house
• Cleanish room.
• Always time to read a book
• Go see a movie whenever I wanted
• Made random shopping trips, just for something to wear that night
• Lots of drama between myself and boyfriends
• Walked to the track every night, to run a few miles, and walk home. 
• Walked 15 miles with Bobbi, once. From my house to Waldameer
• Random tattoos
• Many, many piercings
• Could drink beer like any one of my male friends. (almost)
• Fun, fun, fun, and did I mention, fun? 

 Life After Child

•  Fat jeans. Because lets face it, I ain't skinny. I wish I would have appreciated those skinny(ish) days
• Over-sized sweatshirts, boobs hidden
• I get my hair done maybe once a year. Maybe
• I'm lucky if I actually take the time to wash my hair daily.
• My jewelery is a medical ID bracelet.  Although, I am about to get a new one, so that's exciting.
• When I wear make-up to class now, people treat me like they don't recognize me. Are the bags under my eyes THAT bad, you guys?!
• I don't go to shows, or concerts.
• I don't even listen to my loud, "crazy" music if N is around. I don't think it's appropriate all the time.
• I have a few friends, about a hundred  acquaintances.
• The few friends that I do have, I rarely see outside of school, or in between terms for about 2 days.  My old best friends and I rarely speak. But I love her to death. That won't change.
• I don't go to bars, often, if at all anymore.  Various reasons.  Mostly I hate all of the Ms. Skinny McSlutty Pants who are always there.  
• Another reason- don't really like to drink anymore. Scratch that- Don't like HANGOVERS.
• Two jobs? I am not that motivated. 
• Too much money? Really?? AH I could just slap my 18-year old self!! 
• I don't even remember what a sunburn feels like.  I am so pale, I'm almost translucent. 
• I still don't sleep at night. But if I'm tired, or sleep during the day, I feel like the BIGGEST Ahole.
• The cutest boy I know is my 5 year old son.
• But, I actually managed to have one crush within the past few years: My religion teacher at college. Ironically. 
• Clean house? Clean house? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA..... ETC.
• I do still make time to read.  It's what keeps me sane, and my brain from becoming complete mush.
• Every time I go shopping for something decent to wear, I end up buying something cute for N. Because 1. It's usually cheaper than what I'd want. 2. I don't have to stress about trying it on in the fitting room.
• Have technically been single since I broke up with my first love.  Oh. Still not over that.  Talk about needing to move on.
• The last time I went to a movie, it was Puss N' Boots.  And I fell asleep.  I was thankful for the nap.
• I need to exercise more.  I'll leave it at that.
• I took out all of my piercings, except for my ears as soon as I found out that I was "with child." 
• Who has money for a tattoo?
• Who has money for beer?
• Who has money for fun?

The Ring

A few people that I know have recently got engaged.  The first thing we're made aware of- the ring.

You know the picture that I'm talking about:

I just don't understand jewelry, I guess.  I've never been one to think about huge diamonds, settings, etc.  I don't even think I'm sure I know what a setting is, actually.

All I'm saying, is that someone could propose to me with a ring from a Cracker Jack box, and, lets face it, if it's big enough, and I can eat it, I'm going to LOVE it.

If you think about it, though, what is marriage really about? Or, rather, what do people make marriage about?

First, the RING. (Obviously, right?)
The Dress
The Church.
The Flowers
The Place Settings
The Gifts
The Honey Moon
The House
The Cars
The Baby
The Kids

When does marriage actually become about the person that you've vowed to spend the rest of your life with? It seems like everyone is in such a rush to get married, that once they get engaged, they forget that there are still plenty of things you don't know about each other, there are many more important things than just the wedding,

As far as rings go, I am being completely serious when I say that I don't even know what a setting is.  And I couldn't tell a fake from a real diamond if my life depended on it. I'm not saying that I wouldn't also love a huge diamond, but really, I'd also love a itsy-bitsy one.

The ring that my dad gave to my mom was so tiny.  I think it says a lot, though.  It says a lot about where they were in their lives: young, not very rich, not shallow, just passionate.  Just in love.

Not to say that if you love big jewelry, that you're NOT in love, or that you're shallow.  I just love that ring, so much, and it means a lot to me.

Right now, I just really want a Ring Pop. hint hint.

The Hunger Games, Mockingjay, and Other Books.

I absolutely recommend The Hunger Games trilogy to anyone, and everyone!

I was able to get through the first two books in about 2-3 days each. Could not manage to put them down, once I found the time to read them!

The last one, however, "Mockingjay," took me at least 3 weeks. Not to completely ruin it for anyone, but this book was beyond boring.

While reading it, all I could picture was grey, doom, gloom, cloudy days. It was seriously just boring and more boring. I do suggest you read it, or better yet, read the synopsis, and save yourself the $7.00
In the middle of the book, I looked online, read the plot, and I was completely satisfied with that. Truly. That's how bored I was.

Books I am currently reading:

1. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (I am very intimidated by this book for some reason... so I've decided to give it a go.)
2. Fairy Tales Every Child Should Know by Hamilton Write Mable (I'm reading stories out of this book to N every night. The big words, I am hoping, will improve his vocabulary. Or put him to sleep. So far, at least one of those things happen every night.)
3. Flappers and Philosophers by Francis Scot Fitzgerald
4. An Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke

Sometimes, I pick books for specific reasons. I might not even finish them, but I'll let you know.



Books I just finished:

1. The Giver by Lois Lowry (I've read this before as a child, easy read, but I loved it)
2. The Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
3. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
4. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
5. History of a Suicide by Jill Biolosky (I stopped reading this, but that's not because it was badly written, or uninteresting.)

Jamberry Nails Part 2

I finally got my Jamberry Nails in the mail! Well, I say finally, but it was only about 2 weeks after I ordered them, it's just taken me a while to get to them, because I had to make time.

I ordered the Sheet Music, and they are just as cute as you would imagine!

If you don't have about a half hour, (or hour, in my case) then I wouldn't suggest taking on the project.

They're basically heat- activated stickers, that last for about 2 weeks on your finger nails, and even longer on your toe nails!

You DO need to have a few things of your own in order to do this:

• Nail File
• Nail Scissors
• Cuticle Pusher
• Nail Buffer
• Nail Polish Remover 
• Hair Dryer

 I didn't have a cuticle pusher (if that's what it's called?) or and nail buffer, but I managed with what I had.

My nails!

Jamberry Nails are also nice for you parents with young girls that want their nails done! They're not nail polish, so it's completely safe, in that aspect. You do, however, need to hold a hair dryer on each nail for a few seconds, a couple of times, and they might not like that, too much.

Also, if you are able to get your young child to sit in one place for 30 minutes while you work on these, then you are magical.

I would suggest these nail shields, (as they're called) to anyone, young or old! They have SO many different styles to choose from!


Side Note: N loved this, because he played video games the whole time I worked on these.

This is my friend Lisa's personal web site where you can order them from: www.hotnsnazzy.jamberrynails.com

Little Boys

Just gave N a bath, and while drying him off, I decided to ask a few questions.

Side Note: I am scared to death by the words penis and vagina. (when it comes to my son knowing them, saying them, or hearing them.) I have refrained from calling any body part by its proper name, or really referring to them at all... I realize that this isn't the right way to go about things, but being a mom to a little boy with little boy parts is intimidating to me.

I have decided, however, to try to get things situated, and teach him some things he might need to know.

I said, "I'm going to talk to you for a minute. I'm going to ask you a question."
N - "okay.."
Me-"Do you know what your privates are called?"
N - "Will you be mad?" (because he thinks it's a bad word....) <---- bad parenting on my part.
Me-"Noooo, just say it."
N - "Pee-pee."

Me-"Yes, buuuuut, there are different words for them, do you know those?"
N - "No."
Me-"uh. Okay then."

( I just could NOT bring myself to say the correct words to him. I literally froze.)

We talked about how boys and girls are different. He asked me why, and I said, "Because that's how we were made- different."
 He replied, "Weeeeeird."

I then talked to him about improper touching, etc. which he does already know, and to always talk to me about things, and I promise that I'll always tell him the truth. (unless the word penis is involved, apparently.) ugh.

So, I guess I'll have to deal with this in another way. I am struggling with what a 5 year old boy NEEDS to know, and what they don't need to know. I personally feel like they don't need to know anything more than what he does know, but I could be wrong. I'm most likely wrong.

I need help.

I choose religion over grass

I might become a Jehovah's Witness, if for no other reason, but to avoid fake grass from Easter baskets- that I am STILL finding in weird spots around my house. And sometimes body parts.

My 5 Favorite Authors

1.   Christopher Hitchens
   Christopher Hitchens was an English-American author and journalist.  I love him, because he was controversial, confrontational, and a self-proclaimed antitheist. I have learned a lot from his views on religion, and certain politics. He has negative opinions of some very famous people, who are just worshiped by people. (Mother Theresa!) If you have an open mind, and a logical way of thinking, then, I highly suggest him.
   
   
   One of his most famous literary works, is, "God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything."
   
   Excerpt from God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything:
   
    “Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with.” 
   
   I have to add this last quote, also from Christopher Hitchens:
   
   
   “Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”
   
   
   
2. V.C. Andrews- 

V. C. Andrews is the author of many series of books. I believe her most popular is the Dollanganger series, which are:

Flowers in the Attic  (1979)

Petals on the Wind  (1980)

If There Be Thorns  (1981)

Seeds of Yesterday  (1984)

Garden of Shadows  (1987)

There are at least 25 series, written by V.C. Andrews, or her "ghost writer," after she died. 

Excerpt from Flowers in the Attic:

 

"Oh, golly-lolly! This was real! We had to leave, abandon everything! I had to crowd everything into two suitcases my brothers and sister would share as well. My Raggedy Ann doll alone would half fill one suitcase! Yet how could I leave her, my most beloved doll, the one Daddy gave me when I was only three? I sobbed."

Credit: 

The Complete V. C. Andrews: The Library 

3. Sylvia Plath

 My favorite, well okay, the only book of hers that I've read, is, "The Bell Jar." Supposedly, this was an autobiographical novel. Sylvia Plath had attempted suicide multiple times. She was even committed to a mental institution, at one point. 

She was also an amazing poet, and had many, many published works.

Excerpt from The Bell Jar:

 "So I began to think maybe it was true that when you were married and had children it was like being brainwashed, and afterward you went about as numb as a slave in a totalitarian state."

- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 7

Credit:

Sylvia Plath- Bibliography and List of Works

4. Edgar Allan Poe


Edgar Allan Poe was an American author, and poet. His best known fiction works were generally Gothic and deal with things like decomposition, early burial, the reanimation of the dead, and mourning.


Excerpt from Raven:
"Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word,
Lenore?, This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,
“Lenore!” Merely this, and nothing more."

5. Suzanne Collins


I HAD to choose her as one of my favorite authors, because she wrote The Hunger Games series, which I am currently reading, and absolutely love. I don't usually give these sort of books a chance, but I heard many good things about it, and they were right on. 

Excerpt from The Hunger Games:

 "Taking the kids from our districts, forcing them to kill one another while we watch – this is the Capitol’s way of reminding us how totally we are at their mercy. How little chance we would stand of surviving another rebellion. Whatever words they use, the real message is clear. “Look how we take your children and sacrifice them and there’s nothing you can do. If you lift a finger, we will destroy every last one of you. Just as we did in District Thirteen.”


I have many, many, many more favorites, and many different books that I have read, and re-read. It's pretty hard to choose, but I think I did alright!

Being Born, and Being...Gone.

On April 9th, friends of mine brought a beautiful, baby girl into the world. On April 14th, the world lost a beautiful woman. It's funny how the world works. The two are unrelated to each other, but both close to my heart.

I think about life and death a lot. My dad died last summer, on June 1st. It's hard for me to not think about death. I focus a lot of my time being worried that other loved ones are going to die, now. What I would do without them, etc. It's not healthy, I realize, it's just something I can't help, all the time.

It hurts every day that my dad is gone. My family is different now, and I hate that, as well. I hate the dynamics. I hate how I make everyone uncomfortable or angry when I want to talk about my dad. Because, I always want to talk about him. Suicide is a very confusing thing, and there are so, so many unanswered questions.  I feel like I'll never be at rest until all of these questions are answered. Some people have the ability to answer them for me, but refuse. I understand why. And some questions, I suppose are impossible to answer.  I can only drive myself crazy at the different scenarios that I play over and over in my head.

I hate now. I wasn't so hateful, before. I hate people, that don't deserve it. I hate people in my family, I hate people's actions. I am so beyond bitter towards those closest to me, and I can't stop it. They're dealing with their own issues, so who's wants to bother listening to my bullshit? I understand it.

It's amazing how much you can miss a person, more than you've ever missed anyone, yet be angry with them at the same time. Then guilty.  This mixture of emotions is so overwhelming at times. Since I have seen the effects of suicide first hand, you would think that I would never feel that kind of sadness- but sometimes, I do, and I hate myself for even thinking that way. Then, I just get angry again.

It wasn't like my dad was sick, or in an accident, he chose to leave us. His kids, his grandchild. That doesn't feel good. That's not something I'll ever understand.

When I heard about my friend passing, my heart broke- for her family, for her best friends. Her and I were friends, but rarely saw each other in the past year and a half.  I am sad, because, as selfish as it might sound- it broke open every feeling I dealt with when my dad died.  The sadness, the overwhelming, can't function, physically painful sadness. It hurts when I think of other people going through that.

I was about to make this all about what I think happens after you die, but sometimes, I don't care. Who knows until it's happening to you, anyways. All I know, is that my dad, and my friend, are now at peace. I guess that's what makes suicide desirable, in any way. I understand that, but there is so much more, that I don't understand.

The one thing I have always understood, and will always understand, is that I love my son, and he needs me. And I will do everything in my power, to be there for him, including sticking around, for much, much longer than he'd really like. :]

RIP dad<3 2011 I love you, forever

Wully Bully

There is a LOT of talk about bullying, these days.  It seems to be leading to some terrible things- suicide, homicide, mass homicide (school shootings) self- harm, etc. 

I agree that bullying is a problem, and should be dealt with.

I also think that there is another issue, even bigger than bullying, and if that can be fixed, then bullying won't have such an impact on children and teens.

Self Esteem, is what I am referring to.

No teenage girl (and most boys, and a lot of adults)  has it, it seems.  In my personal opinion, if parent's would focus more on their own children, and helping them to acquire a better self picture, and learn to deal with tough situations, these children wouldn't bully, and wouldn't be so affected by bullying.

Parents should be giving their children coping skills in order to deal with being bullied. Because, let's face it, it's going to happen. It's happened for ages, and will continue. I think the reason it is such an enormous issue right now, is because we are a society full of whiny babies.

We are parents that refuse to teach our children to take responsibility for their actions. We are parents that raise our children to think that they do no wrong, even when they do.  We are parents that raise our children to disrespect adults, other children, and themselves. We raise children not to stick up for themselves, but to tell someone else, and have them deal with it.

 The problem with telling someone else, and having them deal with it, is, that you can't count on other people all the time. Sometimes, you need to do things yourself to get them done right, and more importantly, get the respect that you deserve.  I think that's the case in MOST bullying situations.  Sure, there are times when you should tell someone what's going on, ask for their help- a parent, a teacher, but sometimes you need to stick up for yourself, or nothing will change. 

We need to teach our young children, and teenagers that suicide is a "Permanent solution to a  temporary problem." That is not the answer to anything. You cannot let other people's actions force you down a certain path in your life. Take control of your life. 

Having a positive attitude is huge.

We need to teach our children to stick up for themselves, but not through violence. To cope with bad situations, but again, with no violence.

If we can teach our children these things, and let them know that we're there for them, at the same time, I think that this bullying situation might be able to improve. 

"Learning to stand up for yourself will ensure that other people respect you, they aren’t afraid that you’ll bite their head off, and they won’t try to push you around or whittle you down to suit their own needs."

Do Something

The youngest children are the most abused. They don't have a voice of their own, so it's our responsibility as

 a society to BE that voice. Don't apologize for doing the right thing, in a situation where a child is in danger. 

 Bad things happen when someone chooses to look the other way.

 Just Some Facts

• In 2008, one out of every 601.4 children were victims of physical abuse, with parents of victims accounting for almost 80.1% of abusers.  

• 2.34 children out of 100,000 die from injuries relating to their abuse, with 80.8% of deaths occurring in children under four years old. 

• For every incident of child abuse or neglect that gets reported, it’s estimated that two others go unreported. 

• Neglect is by far the most common form of child abuse, accounting for more than 78% of all cases. 

• Physical abuse accounts for 17.8% of documented child abuse cases each year. 

• A fourth of all girls and a sixth of boys are sexually abused by an adult before the age of 17. 

• 8 out of 10 sexual abusers are someone in the family or someone the child knows. 

• Every month, at least 100 babies are born to drug-using mothers. 

• Of kids who have a parent who uses drugs, one in 13 is physically abused regularly. 

• Abused children are more likely to abuse alcohol and become addicted to drugs, and one third will later abuse their own children. 

• Of all prison inmates, 84% were abused as children. 

Source: Do Something

My kind of Easter

This morning, I've seen at least 10 posts on facebook saying something along these lines, "Easter is not about the easter bunny, it's about Jesus." 

That's great, and all- if that's what you believe. However, I would suggest to those people, that if you really believe that, maybe you should stop coloring eggs with your children. Maybe you should stop taking them to see the "easter bunny." Maybe you should stop making/buying them a basket of things for Easter.

These things only perpetuate the fact that Easter IS about those things that you insist they're not about.

My Easter, however IS about the easter bunny, colored eggs, candy, fake grass, and baskets. 

I also got to sleep in today. 

Bunny Hunny

We celebrated Easter a day early this year. It went a lot better than last year, so that's a plus. 

 

Why is it that when I shop for basket stuff, I feel like I spend a ton, it looks like a ton, and then I get it home, and set up, and it looks like nothing? This is the problem with birthdays, and Christmas, too. 

Our tradition is to color eggs, and then the Easter Bunny, (me, at a horribly late hour) hides them around the house. N gets up in the morning, searches for the eggs, finds his basket, DIGS IN. I lack creativity when it comes to "hiding" these eggs in plain sight, so I only hid a few, this year. Plus, if I hide a lot, I have to write down where they're at, so that we don't lose them, only to randomly smell rotten eggs a few weeks later... (this has happened.)

Huge Chocolate bunny. No big deal.

I remember as a kid, LOVING the morning of Easter. We looked for eggs, and were always SO surprised to find one under our pillows. ("HOW did the EB do that?! He must be real.....")

N asked me this morning if the Easter Bunny was real. I said, "Yes," and that was the end of that conversation.  I hate lying to him! Why does he have to ask?! When I tell him the Easter Bunny is coming, and he just believes it, I realize that that is a lie, also, but when he straight up ASKS, and I have to say yes, I sort of feel crappy about it. (I realize how little sense this makes.)

How old is too old to believe? Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause? I don't remember how old I was when I learned the truth, but I sort of came to the realization on my own. Then I asked my dad, and he confirmed it for me. (my mom was less than thrilled) I was seriously disappointed! I got over it, though. I just remember the MAGIC of Santa and the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fiary when I was young, and I want N to have that! It sort of takes the fun out of things when you know the truth. 

I can NEVER keep those finger nails clean...... ugh.

The plus side to them knowing the truth, is that they can thank YOU - mom and dad- for spending hundreds of dollars on their gifts, and spending 5 hours (in my case, because I am TERRIBLE at wrapping presents.) wrapping them all, and making them pretty under the tree, or in the basket.

When that time comes, I hope N won't be too disappointed, or angry that he was lied to. I'm not ready for that, though. I'm not ready for that major part of childhood to be over for him, or for me.

Evilest Kid in the World

Had an interesting conversation with my son today:

• N - "Guess what? Me and Aubrey broke up."

Why?

• N - "Aubrey ran into some other guy, and I got into a fight with him. And guess what?"

What?

• N - "He's not even going to take her fishing. I'm going to get a chainsaw and scare him right out of his ghost."

Whaaat?

• N - "I'm the evilest kid in the world, am I?" 

Uh... no. No.

White Kids Without Ipads

Okay, this made me laugh. And then I died a little, because I believe there are a ton of parents out there who actually buy their small children very expensive shit. 

• Will my son ever have an ipad? Maybe by the time they're not even cool, anymore.

• A cell phone? Maybe a track phone when he's about 13, and I need to constantly check up on him. Or I could let him ride his bike home from wherever he's at, every hour, to check in. That's what I used to do. 

• A laptop? Depends on if it's necessary for school. And if that's the case- shouldn't THEY provide one? What are my taxes paying for, exactly? 

You get the idea. Kids are spoiled. Including my own. I use the excuse, "He's an only child, so it's easy to spoil him." Like, "oops.... I accidentally just bought him everything he wanted. hmp. How'd that happen?!"

I think some people's mindsets are "I want my kids to have it better than I did." That's great and all, but, why? I mean, I turned out pretty great, (hehe) so obviously what I had, or didn't have, was just enough, right? 

Get it together people!

April Fools

This morning, I told N that I was going to make him a huge homemade breakfast, and not yell at him all day. He actually fell for it. 

Cereal, and a time out. That's what he got for breakfast.

Black Guy Machinski

N has changed his name many times:

• Death Skull
• T-Rex
• Rex Jones

(there's one that I'm forgetting, that I actually posted on Facebook, but I don't feel like going back through and looking for it.) 

Today, was an interesting name change. He came up to me, with his most serious face, and said, "My name is Black Guy." 

WTWTA

"Will you keep out all the sadness?"

"I have a sadness shield that keeps out all the sadness, and it's big enough for all of us"

Missing: One Magic Carpet

• N: I want to go to McDonalds.
• Me: Nope, not taking you there.
• N: Well, I don't know how I'm sposed to get there, I don't even have my magic carpet, anymore.

Cliche

There are a lot of things in this world, that I don't understand. One of them, is sadness, or constant turmoil over a relationship. I don't understand how strong women become shells of themselves over these men.  Especially women with children.

If you are a single mother, and your whole focus is men, then you have definitely got your priorities wrong. I see girls going back and forth in their relationships- single, not single, single. Are they looking for a daddy figure for their child? That's creepy. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with another man coming into your life at some point, and falling into that father role- if necessary- but do not go searching for it.  If I could give you single mothers (and fathers,) a little piece of advice, it would be this: Do NOT introduce your new significant other to your child until you've been dating for a few months, at the very least. I get that when you care about someone, you want them to meet and end up liking your child, and you also want your child to meet, and like them. Tough. The point, is to get to know that person enough, to know that you will be with that person for a long time. Your children do not need to be meeting man, after man, after man. (or woman, in men's cases) It's unhealthy for them, and confusing. 

And women with no children, you've sort of got it easy. I hate to say that, because no situation can be compared equally until you've been in all of them, but trust me, I have been.  It's easy to meet guys, although not necessarily the right guys. It's easier to bring them around the house, it's easier to do whatever you want with them, without having to worry about another (cuter, smaller) person. My problem with you women, is that you don't bother to get to know yourselves. I know it sounds cliche', but if you don't get to know, love, and respect yourself, you'll get nothing positive in return. I WAS you, so don't think I'm just some judgemental bitty up on her high horse. No, before I learned any of this, I was running around, throwing myself at people, because.... I don't know? Lack of attention? Sluttyness? Call it what you will, it's pathetic. Even if you are not sleeping with these people, it's still kind of trashy. I know it's not easy, but love yourselves! You are so worth it. Do this, for yourself, and eventually, a wonderful man, who also deserves that same love and respect, will come around. He'll treat you like gold, because that's what you demand of others, when you realize your worth. 

Or maybe I'm picturing something that only happens in fairy tails? Maybe It's a little easier for me, personally to focus on only my child, or my education, or myself, simply because I haven't been in a (real) relationship in years.  Maybe, if I ever enter that dating game, once again, I'll realize that's it's not as easy as just "loving yourself" to get the right man to come along.  Maybe you could love the shit out of yourself, but get taken advantage of, because some people are just plain bad. I, personally, have no desire to be with anyone now. I have no desire to be married. Right now, my main focus is my son, and school. (I have one "love of my life" that I would probably marry in a minute, if asked, but that won't happen, so it's a non issue.) 

Just try not to waste your life constantly worrying about men, or other people, in general. While you sit there crying over a man who just broke your heart, you are missing out on time with your child. Or time with friends, and family. Don't let someone else be in control of your life. I am WOMAN. Hear me ROAR. *giggle*

Becoming Your Own Soul Mate

I think everyone, regardless of whether they realize it or not, is searching for the perfect mate, or "soul mate." Someone who is the mirror image of you- intellectually, morally, spiritually. Someone who knows you, completely, someone who knows your every flaw, and loves you, in spite of them, and vice-versa.

I wonder, though, how is it possible to find this soul mate, unless you, yourself ARE your soul mate? As in, you have to know yourself, you have to love yourself, before it is possible to do those things with another person. I believe that through experiences, maturity, a LOT of alone time, and an open mind, you can accomplish this. 

I feel like I went through my whole life, until I was about 24, with my head in the ground. Totally unaware of what my mind was capable of.  I might not be comfortable with who I am on the outside (at the moment) but I absolutely love who I am on the inside.  That absolutely does not mean that there is no room for improvement.  I am constantly willing, and wanting to improve myself, and my life, in every aspect.  But, I love who I am.  It's taken years, but I have finally become my own soul mate.

The Dark Side of CPS and DHS

I just saw a piece of a documentary, called Innocence Destroyed, about abused, neglected, tortured, murdered children in the care of CPS, Child Protective Services, or DHS, Department of Human Services. There are hundreds of cases where these children are wrongly taken from their parents, and placed into a "safe" environment, usually with family members, or foster parents. These children were found tortured and killed, in various, horrific ways at the hands of these predators. This video IS graphic, so you've been warned.

 I am going to school to be a social worker. (I've actually just changed my major to Psych for a certain reason, but that's another story) I'm going to major in psychology, and minor in.......... Human Services. Videos like this, information like this, disturbs me in so many ways. I would like to believe that any person involved in this field, would be trying to only do what's best for the children. When I see things like this, it completely boggles my mind! Your job is to take children out of a dangerous environment, and place them in a healthy environment. I realize how difficult this job is, and will be, personally. I understand that it isn't easy to determine a biological parent unfit to raise their own children! I imagine a lot of investigation has to go on before this happens. (in cases that aren't so obviously horrible) But, as a CPS employee, I would say that as much investigation that goes into taking a child OUT of an environment, should go into putting a child INTO another environment. You cannot trust anyone, and have to take every precaution. I couldn't imagine not doing my absolute best job at trying to help these children, and going home to my own son, and sleeping well at night. I don't know how these people do it.

 It scares me to think that I could possibly, someday, make the same sort of mistake. I imagine that not ALL caseworkers are going about their jobs half-assed, like those referred to in this video, yet sometimes, things still happen. I don't know what I would do if I made a mistake, and took a child out of a home, only to put them into an even worse home. As soon as those children leave the custody of their biological parents, they are CPS's responsibility. If a child is harmed, or god forbid killed, and I am responsible, I just don't think I could live with that. That's what so scary, and disheartening about this job. 

However, I am going to continue on with my plans to become a social worker. When my brother and I were little, we had a social worker for a short time. She was a comfort to me. I don't have many memories from my childhood, but she is a memory, and a good one. I want to be some child's good memory. If I accomplish anything in my life, I'd want it to be that. So, while this is discouraging, and frustrating, it's almost just as much motivating. Maybe I can can bust my ass to make things better in this fucked up system.

Jamberry Nails

Exciting news for girls! (and some certain fellas?) There is a website: Jamberry Nails that you should check out! I was just browsing through the different (cute as hell) options, and found nail shields, as they're called, with MUSIC NOTES on them. So adorable. I ordered them right away.

Hide and Seek

N has a habit of hiding various things in his pants. N also has a habit of not wearing pants. This means that all things are poorly hidden in his underpants. Latest thing he’s tried to hide in this manner? A glow-stick necklace.

Flapper

I just watched the movie Midnight In Paris, and I fell in love with the 20's. This movie was about a couple who are visiting Paris. The man finds out that at Midnight, he can basically time travel to the 20's in Paris. (His ideal time period) He does find out, that it doesn't matter what era you exist in, you are never fully content.

As much as I believe that you are always searching for something better, more nostalgic, in movies, music, fashion, politics, etc. I absolutely cannot picture a time period where people are actually saying, "I'd love to go back to the 20th century, and listen to Justin Beiber, and Kelly Clarkson ALL the time." (Only giving those examples, because I am horrible when it comes to modern music at the moment.) It makes perfect sense though.
I am a huge fan of the 50's. Well, technically, the 20's through the 70's, but I'm narrowing it down here. It's my ideal time period. I adore the music, it was raw, innocent, or maybe not so innocent. It was passionate, and original. Original. There's a word that seems almost foreign right now. Is it even possible to be original anymore? Maybe people won't look back on these days as being ideal. I certainly can't imagine it.

Then again, maybe I'm going to decide to be happy where I am. What other option do I have, really? Be happy, or be miserable. "Live in the 50's" is not really an option. Plus, I am no housewife.

Turophobia

Too many times, I've told N to sit right in his chair. He has a Lego top table, and a little wooden chair to go with it. There was two of them, but that's a story for another day. I just watched him fall -along with his chair- sideways, almost hitting his table. 

He came over to me crying, because he hurt his back. First words out of his mouth whenever he gets hurt, are, "Is it bleeding?" I said, "No, looks like it's going to be a bruise, though." He started crying, so I asked him why that makes him cry. He said, "I'm afraid of bruises."

I swear, he's afraid of everything right now. Hopefully this is just a phase. I think my mom accidentally referring to him as "Nancy," was some sort of subconscious thing, in retaliation to his fears of...bruises (and everything else).